I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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