There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
