I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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