You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
