Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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