Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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