im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im holly from the hills drunk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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