I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
