I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
