i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
