Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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