If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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