your parents love me but you hate me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
