shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
