I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
