i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
