You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
