Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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