I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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