i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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