I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
