Where is the hickey?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
