Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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