i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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