i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
