I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
