oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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