Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i out mim tonsoeep
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