she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
