You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
