it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I touched a dick in church today
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
