this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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