I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
