Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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