Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
