I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
