A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize