Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
