there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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