put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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