Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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