If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
