Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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