Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
