Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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