You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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