she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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