i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sorry about my life...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
