i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
