I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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