On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
