I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
