You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
