the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
