I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
