Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
